


Take Flight

by blacktail_chorus



Series: The Coin and the Cup [2]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Getting Together, Implied/Referenced Suicidal Thoughts, Kissing, Magic Revealed, Merlin's scars, Multi, OT3, Post-Season/Series 04, Secrets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-16
Updated: 2019-02-18
Packaged: 2019-03-19 09:24:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 12,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13701618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blacktail_chorus/pseuds/blacktail_chorus
Summary: After Gwen and Arthur marry, Gwen realizes what her new station has cost.





	1. Chapter 1

Gwen gazed down at the courtyard, picking absently at the rough brocade on the front of her dress. The garment was new and quite stiff--it was no wonder that noble ladies' postures were always so nice. This dress would prop her upright if she fell into a dead faint.

Not that she didn't like it, of course. It had been strange, the first time she had allowed herself to be dressed by a ladies' maid, but she couldn't pretend not to be excited to receive such a fine garment made especially for her. In Pendragon red, of course, because Arthur was like that.

She liked the dress, too, because it was part of being Arthur's queen. While wearing it, she could command his love and affections openly and walk proudly on his arm. She could speak at council in her own voice instead of relying on favor and filter and chance meetings in the hall. And when she was out of the dress, well... she was rather enjoying the activities necessary for the more private queen's duties.

She blushed, though there was no one to see. Arthur was as vigorous and attentive in their chambers as he was on the training pitch, and Gwen could hardly ask for more.

The courtyard below was busy. It was the usual market bustle, pleasant to observe: it had been a prosperous year and the townsfolk were largely at ease. Not that she _really_ knew, though, not for sure--her new position tended to stifle the gossip that tracked the true pulse of Camelot's moods. She still visited the market stalls, but in truth most of her friendships had not survived her marriage. That hurt in ways she had not expected.

The friend whose loss caused her the greatest regret strode into view. She hadn't grown up with him, like most of her former friends. Merlin had barreled into Camelot only a few short years ago like a new song from a distant land. They'd been close, once. She would not have become Arthur's queen without his assurance and help.

And therein lay the problem. Gwen watched as Merlin walked purposefully through the crowd, carrying the satchel that meant deliveries from Gaius. He looked straight ahead and hardly paused to wave. When he'd first arrived in town his friendly cheer had been absolutely infectious (and for those inclined to grumpiness, his clumsy nature extremely amusing). But he'd become harder as time had gone by. More jittery. Closed-off. And then she'd discovered his secret.

That had been the first blow to their friendship. She did not begrudge his love for Arthur. She did not feel threatened by it. But the force of his feelings--so easy to see once she knew to look--had made things tense between them, especially as he seemed to make no attempt to move on. He simply suffered, silently, and Gwen could not keep her pity from her face.

She had been shocked to learn that he had protested her banishment and even tried to persuade Arthur to take her back. This, Arthur had mentioned offhandedly when he and she had reconciled before their marriage. When she had left Camelot in tears and self-recrimination, her one comforting thought was that Merlin might have Arthur, if she could not. But he had made no move.

The second blow to her and Merlin's friendship was her wedding and coronation. When she had been crowned Merlin cheered as loudly as anyone, but after than moment he had practically fallen silent. Worse, he seemed to be reticent with Arthur now, too, if Arthur's moods were anything to go by. King Arthur may be, but the title didn't require him to be so serious _all_ the time. Worst were the bursts of self-importance that Merlin had once been so quick to douse, but which he now let pass without a word. Gwen spoke up, of course, but there was something about the old Merlin that had a special way of keeping Arthur on his toes. They were all missing that Merlin, these days.

She thought she'd loved him, once. She'd kissed him after his miraculous recovery from the poison in the chalice. It had been impulsive but not unmotivated: his charm and care and earnest nature tugged at her heart and she'd gone out of her way to bump into him. She'd loved to make him laugh.

Where had that Merlin gone? He'd suffered as they all had through Morgause and Morgana's machinations, but now they were at peace. It was a a time of renewal and rebirth. Was there any way she might coax her old friend back?

\---

The dishes had been cleared but Gwen lingered at her seat, touching Arthur's hand as he recounted a particularly good blow he'd landed on Leon in training that day. She smiled inwardly as he gazed into the distance and mimed a chop with his free arm, complete with an imitation of the sound his sword had made when it struck Leon's mail. Arthur was triumphant and she laughed with his pleasure.

"Merlin didn't seem to think much of it," Arthur said suddenly. His features dropped into a frown. "He was there, on the sidelines, but he barely even clapped."

"Oh?" Gwen made a noise of interest. Arthur rarely brought Merlin up so directly in conversation.

"Yes. He's been a right bore lately." Had he had a bit more wine than usual? "And I don't keep him on for his protocol skills, you know."

"I know," Gwen said. "Merlin is special, isn't he?"

"Especially boring," Arthur repeated himself.

"No," she chided. "Really special. Different from other people." A wordless feeling grew in her breast and she decided to follow where it led. "You know, I kissed him once."

"What?!" Arthur grasped her hand tightly. The almost childish look of distress washing over his features forced Gwen to stifle a laugh. She patted his arm.

"Years and years ago, my love," she said. "When Merlin was dying from that witch's poison and you defied your father to seek out his cure. I nursed him with Gaius--I was sitting at his bedside when he finally woke up and I was so happy I kissed him," she explained. Arthur relaxed visibly. "That was the first time I thought you might not be so bad after all," she went on, grinning. "Risking yourself for a _servant_."

Arthur smiled back at her, a tad soppily, but then grew serious. "He saved my life," he said. "After, what. All of a month. And there was that business with the knight who cheated at the tournament--those magic snakes..."

"He truly is a good man," Gwen agreed. "And he brings out the best in you."

Arthur remained silent. Gwen studied his features. He was deeply emotional, she knew, but he had never learned the tools to express it. Uther had taught him duty and swordplay but allowed no time for sadness or anger or joy. It left Arthur vulnerable, beholden to needs he could not name or understand. And so another of the duties she'd taken on as queen was watching those needs for him, and meeting them when she could.

"You miss the way he used to be," Gwen prompted. Arthur still said nothing. "I do, too."

"What... what happened?" he whispered. He looked up and met her eyes. His own were glassy and slightly unfocused--he _had_ had a bit to drink, then, perhaps even before she'd arrived for their meal--but they also revealed a depth to his question that surprised her. She saw not nostalgia or irritation but pain, true pain, and perhaps even regret. Bewilderment over how things could have gone astray.

Gwen swallowed. She knew how. But Merlin's secret wasn't hers to tell.

"He's wary, after Agravaine," she said instead. "He's tired from dealing with Morgana. He'll come alive again soon, I'm sure of it."

But Arthur was gone, lost in his own musings, so she leaned in to kiss his cheek before retiring for the night.


	2. Chapter 2

Merlin bowed deeply as Gwen entered Arthur's chambers. She no longer tried to protest, though she did aim for a friendly smile as he straightened himself up.

"My lady," he intoned.

"Merlin," she returned.

"And don't skimp on the joints," Arthur called without looking up from his desk. "I need to be able to _move_ when I fight."

"Yes, sire," Merlin said, and then he darted from the room without another word.

Arthur scribbled with his quill for a moment longer before putting it down with a final flourish. Then he stood and graced her with a grin. "Guinevere," he said warmly, striding forward to take her hand. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"It's such a nice day," she said as he brushed her knuckles with his lips. "I wondered whether you might have time for a stroll."

"With you? Always," he replied. "Though I'll have to call Merlin back, if you're thinking of a picnic--"

"Oh, no," she said. "Just a stroll, really. Surely it won't be any trouble if we stepped out? Just the two of us?"

A hint of relief showed on Arthur's face. "Of course," he said broadly. "Lead the way."

The weather was glorious. It was a mild autumn day with shafts of sunlight piercing through a patchwork of clouds. Arthur relaxed a bit more with each step he took away from the citadel. Gwen had threaded her arm through the crook of his elbow and felt his movements ease.

"How did you know this was just what I needed?" Arthur asked as they crossed a small clearing. He turned his face up to the sky.

"Woman's intuition," she replied, leaning into his side. "You've been very focused lately."

"There's just so _much_ ," Arthur admitted. "The rebuilding projects, and the grain stores, and recruitment--"

"Hush," Gwen said gently. She stopped short and angled herself to face Arthur head-on. "Slow and steady. We're working, and moving things forward as fast as we can." She leaned up and pressed a warm, soft kiss to his lips. "You can't fix everything overnight."

"I know," he said, and kissed her back, making her smile with a cheeky swipe of his tongue. "But it's hard to relax when there's so much--."

"Mmm," Gwen agreed. "It will keep for a bit. Sit with me."

He did, easing her down before settling in himself. He sat cross-legged and leaned back on his hands with a great sigh, closing his eyes to the warmth of a beam of light that broke over the clearing. The trees around them rustled in a light, easterly breeze. They sat together, drinking in the quiet sounds and clear air.

"Why did you marry me?" Gwen asked after some moments had passed. She kept her voice light, though her stomach fluttered with nerves. She'd been thinking, pondering the revelations she'd read in Arthur's face the other night, and ruminating on her own mind, too.

"For love, of course," Arthur answered easily. He sat up a bit and reached for the hand on her lap. "And because I knew you would be a great queen to our people. I suppose you married me for the frocks." He grinned, waggling his eyebrows.

"If you must know, it's because you're a _very_ good kisser."

They laughed, and he proved her point, and then they settled back again.

"You love your people, too," Gwen went on. "That's another reason I married you."

"I have a duty."

"But it's more than that," Gwen pressed. "Truly, you love them. Some of them especially."

"My knights," Arthur supplied. "I couldn't be more proud of their bravery and skill."

"Yes, your knights," Gwen said. "And others. Like Merlin."

Silence fell with a thud. Arthur swallowed and worked his jaw. "I... Merlin is..." He tried to call up a quick comeback. "He is my manservant," he finished eventually.

"And you love him."

"Don't be ridiculous, I love _you_." Arthur began to get agitated.

"You love us both. In different ways." Gwen squeezed the hand that had gone stiff in hers. "I don't fault you for it."

"This is--this is nonsense. Merlin is only--"

"If you say he's 'only a servant' I think I will be cross." Gwen let the tense atmosphere breathe until Arthur relented, bowing his head. The clouds moved across the sun again and cast a slight chill.

"I thought this walk was supposed to be relaxing," he said after a time.

"No, it's supposed to make things better," she admonished. "We need him, Arthur. Both of us. And he slips away more every day."

"What do you suggest, then?" Arthur asked. He drew back to sit up straight and tug his tunic into place.

"That we think on it. Together, with the truth in the open. I love him, too." And how Arthur flinched, at the reminder that she could hold two men in her heart. But Gwen was no longer ashamed by her capacity to love. When she took her marriage vows, she had committed herself to honest action, not a closed-off soul. This was the way forward.

"Kiss me," she asked gently, and after only the briefest of hesitations, Arthur did.

\---

They made love that night, slowly, achingly, as Arthur sought reassurance and permission with his hands and his mouth and the mass of his body in a way he could not with words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have this loosely plotted through the end but have been sitting on it for several months with no progress. Thought I'd give the WIP posting motivation a try!


	3. Chapter 3

Gwen ran her fingers over the embroidery she was pretending to do. Bump, bump, bump, breathe in... bump, bump, bump, breathe out....

A rapping at the door brought her heart into her throat. It was loud. Loud with excitement? With anger? She gripped the linen napkin in its hoop. "Come in," she called at last.

The door opened to reveal Arthur. _Just_ Arthur, whose face looked curiously blotchy in the flickering light. He did not move from the doorway. Gwen sat forward, waiting.

"He wasn't... interested in our proposal," Arthur ground out. "He thanked me for the offer but said he could not accept it."

"Oh."

She was acutely aware of the guards in the echoing corridor at Arthur's back. Still, he did not come in. After another moment, he dropped his head and turned to go.

"All is not lost, Arthur," Gwen called. But the door was shutting and she could not hear if he made any reply.

\---

The next morning, Gwen's maid Lottie came in to clean her room. Merlin entered behind with soapy water for the floors.

Gwen greeted them cordially, trying to hide her shock. This wasn't Merlin's duty, which meant--

After he placed the bucket for Lottie, Gwen rose and crossed the room as if to retrieve something from the sideboard near the door. Merlin was close behind her. He paused.

"I love you both, very much," he said quietly to her back. Gwen froze. "But I can't overstep my position. Please understand."

Gwen did not. That had to be the most un-Merlin-like thing she'd ever heard come out of his mouth. She opened hers to disagree.

"Please," Merlin cut her off. "It has to be like this. Please don't make it any harder. For me."

And then he was gone.


	4. Chapter 4

Merlin was getting thinner. She was sure of it. He'd been gangly with youth when he'd first arrived in Camelot, but this was something different: a pinching and a stretching that melted away all traces of comfort and care. It whittled his mouth into a sharp line and sunk his eyes into his face.

He looked tired, too, all the time. Yet Gwen knew when Arthur dismissed him each night, and when he was called again each morning--she'd begun keeping track--and she'd inquired solicitously about any improvements that might be needed in the physician's quarters. Gaius, surprised, had only asked about new glassware.

Gaius was another piece of the puzzle. She'd seen him looking at Merlin unguarded, once, and his face was like a wound.

Something was going on. Something was troubling Merlin--something he felt to be shameful, by the looks of it. Gambling debts? Blackmail? Perhaps a child...?

Whatever it was, it was keeping Merlin from happiness. And also, Gwen suspected, from Arthur's and her embrace.

Discreet inquiry revealed nothing. Castle life trundled on, until one day when Gwen was working with the steward to plan the servants' duties as the season prepared to turn towards spring.

They were in the Great Hall discussing the tapestries and how best to clean out the chimney when Merlin appeared. Head down, he walked towards the Round Table to retrieve a dagger that Arthur had apparently left behind.

"Hello, Merlin," Gwen called, interrupting the steward and giving a little wave. 

"Your majesty," Merlin said back. He looked up just enough to be polite. Something about his face seemed... off.

"Wait one moment," Gwen said as he ducked his head again and prepared to scurry away. "Come here."

Merlin reluctantly obeyed. When he got close, Gwen bridged the gap between them and reached out one hand to tip up his chin. Then she stepped back in shock--his right eye was swollen and purpled. Broken skin on his cheek traveled down to a split lip, and it appeared he could not breathe through his nose. He directed his gaze somewhere around her left ear.

"What--!"

"It's nothing, my lady. A brawl in the tavern last night." He tried to lift the undamaged corner of his mouth. "You know me. Can't keep my trap shut."

"You're relieved of your duties for today. _I'll_ tell Arthur"--she held up one finger to silence his protest--"and _you'll_ go lie down with a poultice. I can't believe Gaius let you out of bed!"

Or that Arthur hadn't sent him back himself. Had he even looked at Merlin's face that morning?

"Really, I'm--"

"You. Bed. Now," she commanded, holding out her hand for Arthur's mislaid dagger.

He passed it over reluctantly, bowed, and turned to go.

When he had left the room, the steward cleared his throat. "Majesty," he began. "As we are discussing the servants' assignments, we might perhaps..."

Gwen gave him a level look.

"We might perhaps consider the assignment of the position of the king's manservant," the steward pressed on. "We might discuss someone more... suitable to the role."

And Gwen felt in a flash her old distaste for the man, this petty tyrant, who had tutted at her fingers when they'd been dyed from the laundry and had docked her pay, once, when she'd been new to the castle and late to her duties because she'd gotten lost.

"I am going to return Arthur's dagger," she said. "And _you_ are going to the kitchens to get Merlin some soup. Which you will deliver to him. Personally."

Then she whirled and left him, gaping, without another word.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your lovely encouraging comments! I hope you enjoy these chapters.

Well. If he wouldn't talk to Guinevere the Queen, perhaps he would talk to Gwen. She dug a favorite dress from the old days out from the back of her wardrobe. 

One barrel and a crate later, she was passing a folded piece of parchment through the gap in Merlin's window, fishing for the latch. She lifted it with a grin and swung the window wide, placing both hands on the sill to hoist herself up. She almost laughed with exhilaration--no wonder Arthur enjoyed sneaking around in that ratty blue cloak, this was definitely _fun_.

Then a force like an impossibly strong hand gripped her throat and yanked her into the room, tossing her bodily against the opposing wall.

She couldn't breathe to scream. She lay paralyzed, pain blooming at her temple, as a shadowy figure with sick, golden eyes drew near.

"Who are you?" A growl and a sinuous hand motion conjured a glowing ball of light.

Its illumination revealed a man, slender, with dark hair and sharp features and... and big ears, and, oh--!

"Gwen?" The horror in Merlin's voice matched the seizing of her heart. "Gods. Oh, gods. Oh, I thought you were--what were you doing? Are you--" He clutched at his hair and looked wildly around the room. He paused, briefly, and cast Gwen one hesitant glance before all the candles sprang to life at once. 

Tears blurred Gwen's vision, and finally she gasped. She twisted, wriggling to push herself upright, and she heard him draw near. "Don't touch me," she rasped, then grimaced at the pain in her throat.

But Merlin's footsteps were hurrying out of the room. He was back again a moment later, crouching before her and holding a phial in his hand.

"Drink this," he said. "It will I help. I swear, Gwen. Please."

She focused on the familiar grass green of Gaius's pain potion. Or Merlin's, really--he'd taken over the preparation of most of the common stock some years ago, and this was one the knights availed themselves of often. She'd seen Arthur toss some back just last week. He swore it worked like...

Gwen took the phial, not meeting Merlin's eyes. She pulled out the stopper and downed the potion all at once, wincing with each swallow. A blessed coolness spread through her core.

" _Bote_ ," Merlin said, and the coolness grew, and then turned warm, suffusing her body in an instant and bleeding her hurts away.

Silence blossomed. Gwen took a breath and steeled herself to look up.

Merlin hunched an arm's length away, fists balled against his knees. "I'm so sorry. Gwen," he whispered. " _Gwen_. I'm sorry. I'm so--" He clapped one hand to his mouth and squeezed his eyes shut, trembling. He sucked a loud rush of air through his still-swollen nose.

She regarded him, feeling strangely detached. _Just like that_ , she thought. Her world had been upended in the space of a moment. Just like that.

It was Morgana all over again. A dull ache rose in Gwen's chest. Only--

"My father," she said at length.

Merlin blinked open watery eyes. The bruising Gwen had fretted over earlier kept his right eye slitted but the left was wide and very blue.

He drew his hand down his face. "You're asking... I healed him. Yes," he said, unsteady. "I liked him. I wanted to help. I never thought... Uther... I'm sorry. I'm _sorry_."

"I used to wonder whether it was Morgana," Gwen cut him off, musing. "I still believe that she cared for me then. But she didn't have magic before Morgause, so I never could decide what happened. And you're... you're not like her, are you?"

"No." Now he spoke firmly and without hesitation. "Never."

"You're my friend. My very dear friend. _Merlin_."

His tears spilled over, and hers blurred her vision as she thrust her hand out to catch his with the grip of a blacksmith's daughter. He squeezed back and she tugged, pulling him close. He trembled still.

She'd gone looking for a secret and found one. She'd also come looking to help. It only remained for her to decide just what she was going to do.


	6. Chapter 6

An hour later found them seated side by side at Gaius's workbench. The physician was gone, monitoring a patient in the lower town overnight, and his chamber had become their little bubble: a liminal space a step outside time.

"Why didn't you heal your face?" Gwen asked. Merlin had just finished telling her about the lout with a magical assassination plan he'd dispatched the night before.

"Leon saw me, when I was headed back after," Merlin explained. "He was on patrol. Otherwise I would have."

"Oh, it was nighttime, he wouldn't have known the difference in the morning." Gwen reached out to stroke his brow. "Go on. You don't have to suffer like us poor commoners." She grinned, and he did too, sweetly.

Gwen supposed she should be more shocked, more troubled by the things she was learning, but she just couldn't be. Not when every word was bringing _Merlin_ back to her. He was still halting, hesitant, tentative--but he was _there_ , and each time she spoke kindly his smile was a bit quicker in response. They could almost be chattering over chores again.

Then he sighed. "The steward will notice."

"True."

Gwen looked down in the lull that followed. Merlin had told her the most fantastical things about his childhood adventures in Ealdor and the truth about standing up to Arthur with magic during their first, fateful fight in the market. It also seemed he'd appointed himself to be something of a secret bodyguard, watching out for threats to Arthur that could only be stopped by magic. But she had a feeling that wasn't all there was to know.

So much had happened in Camelot, over so many years. She'd be a fool to believe Merlin had been in the tavern for even a single moment of it.

"Tell me," she said, "why did you come to Camelot at all, with magic? And why did you stay?" She leaned in closer to his side.

Merlin swallowed. "Well." He hesitated. "My mother used to live in Camelot, actually. Before... a long time ago. She knew Gaius. She sent me to him when I turned seventeen because we both knew I wasn't suited for a farming life." His gaze turned inward. "I just knew there had to be-- _more_. A reason I had this power. Something I was supposed to use it for."

"Arthur."

He startled, giving her a guarded look. "Well... yes." He sat up straighter. "I met a--I found out about a prophecy after I arrived. Arthur is meant to be a great king--a High King--and it is my destiny to protect him."

"And you believed that, when you first met him?" she teased.

Merlin chuckled. "It took some convincing. But... I believe it now." He looked up at her in earnest. "And _you_ , Gwen. You're his true love. His queen. That prophecy's already come true."

Gwen matched his gaze. "But what fate does prophecy give you?"

Now he faltered. Shifted. Looked away. "It's enough that my friends are happy."

"Merlin."

"It's not got everything right," he scowled. "But it's fine. Things are the way they have to be."

"Because you don't think Arthur will forgive you for the magic."

"You don't understand."

"Then tell me."

"I can't!"

"Merlin!"

" _I can't!_ " He slammed his fist on the table and whirled his head around.

Gwen recoiled, hurtling out of her seat and shielding her face with her hands. She froze. They stared at one another for the space of a heartbeat, and she cursed her reaction as despair washed over his features. 

"See?" he muttered, pushing back from the table himself and turning away.

"Wait--" She reached out to grab his arm.

"It's not the magic, Gwen," he said, shaking her off. "There are so many things... things I've done, what I've become to do them..." His voice grew tight. "But Camelot is safe, and you are safe, and Arthur, and I can't hope for anything more."

Gwen drew back. She smoothed her skirts and pressed her lips as Merlin slouched into a wallow. Then she sniffed, and lifted her chin, and she was Queen once more.

"I have to say, Merlin, you really haven't been doing a very good job." That got his attention. "You say you protect Arthur? You know as well as I do the protection he needs most is from himself. You used to do that. _You_ , Merlin. He'd never have become the man I love without you."

He looked a bit simple with his jaw hanging like that. She kept going. "You think you're the only one with a shame? With regret? You'll let that stop you from being the man your friends need you to be?" She let the question ring out.

"I won't keep secrets from the king. You have three days to tell him yourself."

"Or...?" Merlin choked.

"Or I'll tell him." He relaxed a fraction, as though a weight were being lifted from his shoulders. That wouldn't do at all. "With you in the room. And the door locked."

She didn't wait for a reply, but threw him one last, searching gaze before striding to the door and out into a chill hall bathed blue with predawn light.


	7. Chapter 7

Merlin's hands were steady as he served. _I have magic_ , he'd said.

He'd spoken it plainly just as he was whisking away the plates from their first course and before refilling Arthur's goblet.

"I'm different from other magic users," he went on. The trickle of watered wine stretched down. "I was born with it. My mother taught me to keep it secret. Then she sent me to Camelot, and I used it to save you from that knife. From that old woman. And then Uther made me your manservant, and here we are. So."

Wine poured, Merlin made up two dishes of the main and placed them before Gwen and Arthur as he spoke. Then he turned to busy himself with something at the sideboard.

When Gwen had given Merlin her ultimatum, she was betting she would have to force the issue. So she had arranged for this dinner in her chambers, given Lottie the day off and pulled some other levers so that Merlin alone would be attending them. As the pieces had fallen into place, Arthur had made a crack lamenting the terrible service they would have to endure.

Gwen had planned on waiting until the dinner was finished. Merlin would see right through her machinations, she knew, but she didn't want to press the matter until Arthur had eaten and the three of them could sit, together, without the looming protocol of tasks locking each of them to a station.

But Merlin had other plans, apparently. Gwen had taken a large bite just as he'd started talking, and she worked furiously to chew at the rabbit, swallowing it uncomfortably whole. Arthur, for his part, looked... confused. His eyes followed Merlin, then darted to Gwen as he ignored the steaming platter placed before him and tried to work out what exactly was going on.

"Are you joking?" he said eventually. His upper lip curled in the beginnings of a leer.

" _Fleoge_ ," Merlin said, still facing away, and the dishes on the table rose before their eyes.

A horror raced up Gwen's spine--what on Earth was he doing?

Arthur pushed himself back from the table, juddering his chair against the floor.

"I use it for... to protect Camelot." The dishes drifted slowly down. "And I probably would never have said anything, except Gwen saw me a few days ago and said she'd tell you if I didn't."

"Did she now," Arthur replied. His gaze stayed fixed on his dish.

"Mm."

Silence fell upon the room. Merlin was no longer pretending to fidget with the trays.

"Well," Arthur said after a moment. "Well." His voice was thick and his eyes had grown bright.

"I'm sorry," Merlin whispered, and Gwen noticed at last the trembling of his shoulders, drawn too tight.

He was waiting for Arthur. They both were. And Gwen realized in a flash that whatever his reaction was, it wasn't going to help.

She leapt in. "Arthur," she said, placing her knife deliberately on the table, "you're feeling many things right now. Conflicting things. I know, because I felt those things too." She forestalled his protest with a look. "I went to see Merlin three nights ago. I was worried about him, for the same reasons you and I have _both_ been worried about him for going on a year now. I tried to sneak in his window in one of my old serving gowns. He thought I was an intruder and pinned me to the wall with his magic."

Arthur's head snapped up, but Gwen froze his retort with an upraised hand. "He released me immediately when he realized who I was and gave me your healing tonic to make sure I didn't bruise. And then we talked."

"And what did you talk about?" Arthur's voice was sing-song, almost mocking.

"Merlin? Why don't you say?" She stared at Merlin's back and willed him to face them.

And he turned slowly until he did. His hands were clasped and his eyes downcast. "We talked about Ealdor," he started softly. "It was hard for my mother, raising me. She was so scared I'd be found out and... and taken away, or killed. I had to keep it secret."

"So she sent you to Camelot," Arthur deadpanned.

"Because I couldn't.. because I needed help. My magic isn't a choice. It just comes out of me; it's part of me. So she sent me here to--"

"Gaius." Arthur finished. "Who, I'm guessing, is not really your uncle."

"No," Merlin said.

"You... _lied_. To me. All this time." Arthur's fists were clenched and his knuckles grew white. "And that's why you've been moping about since my coronation. Because you didn't tell me after my father died, and decided that you never would. And you finally realized you should feel bad about that. Didn't you."

The air left the room.

"Yes," Merlin said.

"Get out."

"Arthur!"

"My lord," Merlin whispered, and he bowed before striding out into the corridor.

As the door closed behind him the room grew horribly hot and close. Why, oh _why_ had she thought this was a good idea, why had Merlin forced things like that--so flat, so devoid of the important things, so absent of his obvious love...?

"Did he hurt you?" Arthur looked at her with empty, watery eyes and a tightness in his mouth.

"No," she lied. "He only held me in place."

 _Now I understand,_ she thought, her mind with Merlin's footsteps as he moved farther and farther away.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two quick chapters! I will likely come back to edit spelling and grammar and clean up weird phrasings, but I felt motivated to get this out there tonight.

Merlin was gone, and they couldn't possibly call in another servant, so Gwen stood and began clearing the dinner plates back onto the trays. Arthur didn't stop her.

"You think Merlin's magic is a good thing," he said after a time.

Gwen wiped a bead of sweat from her brow. "I think it's... fine," she answered. "He loves us. He uses his gifts to help protect us, when he can. He hadn't gotten to that part yet," she said reproachfully.

"By making things float?"

"I think he's got some power, actually. He got his black eye fighting off a sorcerer who tried to lay a curse on your weapons in the armory."

"He told you that?"

"After we spoke of Ealdor, yes." Gwen pursed her lips. "Arthur, can't you understand why he never told us?"

"Because he doesn't trust me," Arthur answered. "Or because he thinks I'm a fool. Or both."

"No!"

"If he fought off a sorcerer--if he dealt with a threat to the kingdom and didn't even make me _aware_ , no matter what his methods, then I'm a fool to him, Gwen. I'm sure that's not the only thing he's done behind my back."

"Because he was afraid he'd be executed! Banished, at best!"

"Then he truly believes me an idiot."

The fire flared suddenly in the grate. Gwen and Arthur pulled away from the crackling sparks; Gwen stamped swiftly on an ember that touched the hem of her dress. She looked up to see the fire pull back from its center to reveal a parchment, unblemished, with spidery handwriting on it. Arthur was the first to move, reaching deftly into the flames.

It read: _I have gone somewhere you cannot follow. Do not worry: Camelot will be defended._

Terror seized Gwen's heart. _Somewhere you cannot follow... _he couldn't mean... could he?__

__Without even glancing at Arthur, Gwen ran from the room on a straight course to Merlin's chambers. Arthur overtook her in only four strides._ _

__The guards in the halls leapt to attention as they pounded through the corridors, but Arthur waved each of them off. They must look a fright--Gwen was sure they would be prime gossip fodder tomorrow morning--but she let her hair stream out behind her and hiked her skirts to keep up. Arthur reached back and grasped her hand to pull._ _

__After three sets of stairs and four long hallways they slowed, panting, in front of the physician's door. Arthur gave it a perfunctory blow before wrenching it open and bursting inside._ _

__Gaius looked up at them from his workbench, where he sat with fingers poised to tip a powder into a bubbling vial. He drew his brows together and pushed back from his seat. "What's the matter? Are you all right, my lord? My lady?"_ _

__Steaming and huffing, hair damp with sweat and eyes wild with fear, Arthur gasped out only--"Merlin--"_ _

__"He's gone to his room. Would you like me to--"_ _

__But Arthur strode past him. He pushed in the door with one fluid motion and moved into Merlin's darkened chamber. Gwen followed swiftly with a light._ _

__Inside, it was empty. Gaius, crowding in behind Arthur and Gwen, snorted. "What on _Earth_ \--"_ _

__The window was open. Gwen ran to it, peering down to find her barrel and her crate still stacked against the outer wall. She looked out, hoping to catch a glimpse of Merlin's retreating figure, but night had come fully and the courtyard was shadowed. Still she strained her eyes while Arthur kicked at Merlin's wooden bed frame, making three savage thuds._ _

__Suddenly, the frisson that heralded lightning and thunder came upon the air. Gwen stood stock still, and Arthur stopped too._ _

__An eerie pink light began to glow along the edges of the battlements. A cry went up from the night watch as the light began to rise into a shimmering, sparkling veil that stretched up and up, with gold and blue, until it arced over the castle and made pink the whole night sky._ _

__The warning bell gonged as the veil's glitter faded. In the waning spell light, Gwen could just make out a shape beyond the walls: it was a dragon rising into the air, ready to travel far away._ _


	9. Chapter 9

Arthur made Gaius tell them everything.

He'd had to spend half the night organizing his knights and calming the town--the pink glow was only lightning, of course, a rare weather phenomenon peculiar to early spring evenings. And the dragon's silhouette was a trick of the light; no attack had come to Camelot, after all.

But after that, and a few hours' fitful sleep, he'd sent for Gaius. Arthur and Gwen sat close as Gaius recounted story upon story at Arthur's command.

It was all a bit absurd. Gwen felt more foolish than anything when she thought, _really_ thought, about how many times luck had seemed to sway the fate of Camelot in their favor. The witch Nimueh who sought revenge and then just... disappeared. Arthur's miraculous recovery from the fatal bite of the Questing Beast. The immortal army, disintegrating to sand. A mythical sword in a forest, waiting for Arthur to take it up. The way Morgana's magic failed her in the throne room... and the blast that had pushed her away when she'd been poised to run her sword through Gwen.

The details of Merlin's feats blurred together as Gwen's mind returned to the beginning of Gaius's tales: the dragon's prophecy. 

Gaius had brought it up by way of demonstrating that the dragon was, for the most part, on their side, despite his murderous spree through the kingdom. But it was the one detail that gave her pause. Merlin had told her it was his destiny to help Arthur become High King, but he'd neglected to mention the promised return of magic to the land. The stories Gaius told seemed like natural extensions of his kindness and steadfast courage. The problem with the prophecy was the shadow it cast on his intentions.

Because Merlin was a brilliant liar. She could see that now. He radiated an artless charm that completely obscured a ruthless competence. He was able to make his whole self appear other than what he actually was without any magic involved.

Did he really love them at all?

Arthur fixated on the deeds. Where Gwen felt foolish, he felt doubly so, and weak as well, doubting which of his achievements since Merlin's arrival he could actually claim. For many years he had held Merlin's regard above all others'--even if he wouldn't admit it, even to himself--but the memories of Merlin's smiles and impish, backhanded praise now took on an air of the master patting his dog. He felt manipulated. Used.

Gaius went on until his throat became hoarse. He had clearly thought through what he might say if he ever found himself in this position. He spoke confidently and unapologetically, highlighting Merlin's devotion to Camelot's prosperity and describing the unique strengths of his magical powers in great detail.

But for a man who was usually quite perceptive--and known to be something of a manipulator himself--his approach missed the mark.

Unless he was taking a sideways path to showing Arthur and Gwen Merlin's true colors.

Arthur dismissed Gaius when they heard a servant shuffle by, lighting the candles in the hall. But as Gaius stood to leave, Arthur asked him one more question.

"Why did you never tell me?"

Arthur hunched in his chair, looking down at the tabletop. Gaius gazed at him for a moment, inscrutable.

"When Uther was king, I feared for Merlin's life," he said. "And when you took the throne, I feared for your heart."

With that, he bowed and left the room.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh, lovely readers, your comments give me life (and encourage me to neglect my day job, oops)! Here is a long chapter!

Three days later, an archer in training shot wide and his arrow arced towards the castle walls. It had just crested the battlements when it suddenly stopped dead, as though lodged in a target, and then simply disappeared.

Two birds flew through the space unhindered.

Leon reported it at the council meeting that afternoon. "The archer is a good lad," he said. "I haven't known him to tell tales. He said he searched for the arrow inside the keep but couldn't find it."

Arthur shared a look with Gwen. "Noted. Thank you, Sir Leon."

Gaius, Gwen saw, did not react at all.

She had been surprised when he had appeared at council that morning, right on time, acting as though nothing at all had changed. Assured of his place among the kingdom's most trusted. Arthur had said nothing, and so she let it go. 

Now, as the council adjourned, the three of them lingered by unspoken agreement until they were left alone.

"You may be interested to see something Merlin left behind," Gaius said.

Gwen didn't flinch, but it was a near thing. Gaius pulled a parchment out from the sleeve of his robe.

Arthur took it first. His face remained impassive as he read the note before handing it over to Gwen. She pursed her lips and dove in.

_Dear Gaius,_

_I am about to go serve what will probably be my last dinner here in Camelot. Gwen has discovered my magic, and she's arranged things so I'll have to tell Arthur tonight. I've arranged things with Kilgharrah for a quick exit._

_I've been working on that shield spell you found for me some months back. I never figured out how to get rid of the pink during the casting, but I suppose after tonight that won't much matter. Morgana is still out there, and I won't leave Camelot unprotected._

_There is so much I've never said. Things I always thought I'd have time one day to do. But it looks as though I must be my father's son in more ways than one._

_I will be keeping watch. I'm not abandoning my duty, even if I can't stay._

_Thank you, for everything. I hope one day we'll meet again. And, though I know I need not ask, please--take care of them._

_Yours,_

_Merlin_

Gwen's throat tightened and she pressed one hand to her mouth.

"The shield spell as written was meant to protect the sorcerer in combat," Gaius said as Gwen dropped the parchment to her lap. "But when I showed it to Merlin he thought of adapting it. I've no idea what he managed to do--a castle-wide shield that can stop an arrow three days on without active maintenance by the caster is quite beyond the realm of familiarity."

"Quite," Arthur quipped. "How do we get rid of it?"

"My lord?"

Arthur leaned back in his chair. "It's a magic shield, Gaius," he said deliberately. "Around a castle full of people rightly terrified of magic. Where magic is also illegal."

"Well, yes, but--"

"My father managed to protect his people from magic users without using it himself," Arthur went on. "And my men can stand their own against arrows. I want it gone. Today."

A shiver ran along Gwen's spine.

Gaius's eyes widened. He opened his mouth, then closed it again, drumming his fingers once on the table. "I'm afraid it may not be that simple, sire," he said after a moment. "The truth is that magical entities can rarely be dispelled by non-magical means. For many years, you've had Merlin addressing those issues for you, albeit without your knowledge. And before Merlin, your father had me."

Arthur scowled. "Neutralize it, then. However you must."

Gwen felt colder and colder. She and Arthur had barely interacted since Merlin's departure. For the past two days, he had retreated to the training pitch, and she to the needs of the castle. He often needed time to disappear into his sinews, burying his thoughts in drill patterns and the immediate clarity of a close-fought match. But she now feared he'd dug into another part of himself--a part that she'd long assumed had been left in the distant past.

A bare moment passed before Gaius inclined his head. "As you wish, my lord."

Gwen bit her lip as Arthur gave him leave to go.

\---

The next morning, Gwen was worrying at her breakfast when a knock came at the door. Arthur stomped in shortly after, carrying three large scrolls.

"Gaius says he can't do it," Arthur said by way of greeting. He dropped the scrolls on the far side of the table. "As best he can tell, the spell is tied to the life force of something or someone here in Camelot. It could be a flower for all we know." The first bulbs of the year had just begun to bloom. "So the only way that shield is coming down is if it's removed by the caster."

"Mm," Gwen said, taking another bite of egg.

"Based on the message Gaius found, he thinks he's likely hiding out with the dragon in its lair. My father mapped out locations of lairs within a day's flight that were known to Camelot during the war. If we cross-reference his map with this modern one, and this account of damage done during battles with dragons, we can work out the most likely targets to explore first."

Arthur had spread out each map and weighted the corners with pieces of Gwen's breakfast platter. His white tunic glowed in the morning light and his yellow hair glinted in a sunbeam. He put his hands on his hips and finally turned to face his wife.

Gwen stared back up at him. "Why are you doing this, Arthur?" she blurted, crinkling her napkin with one hand.

He furrowed his brow. "It is my duty to maintain order and peace in Camelot," he said.

"How is Merlin's shield threatening the peace?"

"If word got out that there is a magical... thing... around the castle, that the king can't do anything about, there would be panic in the streets!"

"Who says anyone has to know?" Gwen countered. She clasped her hands on the tabletop. "The barrier isn't visible. It doesn't stop people or animals. We've only one report of it acting on a weapon breaching the battlements. And we're at peace. How many arrows are there going to be?"

"We are _not_ at peace," Arthur said. "Winter has only just ended. We don't know what campaigns Mercia or the Saxons may have planned, not to mention the mercenary groups--there have been reports of coordinated raids on the coast, as you well know--and we must keep our guard against Morgana." Arthur's lips twisted as a new pain touched that old wound.

"All the more reason to leave it be. Surely we only benefit from the help?"

"I don't need help!" he snarled, slapping his palm against the wood. He jabbed a pointed finger in the air. "I don't need magic. I don't need a shield. I don't need anything he--" He snatched his hand back, growling, and pivoted away.

Gwen bowed her head and took a breath. In the silence that followed, faint sounds from the market filtered in the open window. It was a fine, warm day.

"We all need help, my love," she said at last. "Camelot's strength comes from the love of her people. We have archers and swordsmen and weavers and blacksmiths. Why not a sorcerer? What is your round table if not the first circle of those you turn to for help?"

A circle Merlin had been at the founding of.

"His motivations may have been less than pure-hearted," Gwen went on, "but Merlin has never brought harm to Camelot."

"As far as we know." Arthur still faced away, his back ramrod-straight.

"Well, really--"

"I'm tired of the lies, Gwen," Arthur interrupted her. His voice was low and hard. "Why does everyone always lie to me? And why do I never suspect it?"

"Because we can't bear to disappoint you," Gwen said impulsively. "Not... not Morgana, or Agravaine, of course, but... Arthur, you are a _good_ man." She got up and crossed the room, catching his right hand in both of hers. "And we so wish the world--and we, ourselves--could live up to your expectations."

He didn't respond. She squeezed his hand.

"It doesn't excuse anything, but it's true," she said. "And I think Merlin... well. I don't know any more than you do. But I think sometimes, when someone fears rejection, they lash out first to make sure of it. When Elyan was younger, he was that way."

Arthur, lost, finally began to turn towards her. She reached up to grasp his shoulders.

"I've been thinking about his letter, and what he said when I found him out. I asked him why he never told us. He said it wasn't about the magic. He sounded trapped. And his letters: all about a duty of care. I think, perhaps, there's more to his story. More we ought to know."

His weary eyes met her earnest ones. He sagged, and she drew tight against him in an embrace.

"We'll use your maps to find him," she said. "And you can bring him home."


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone for your encouraging comments--I have to refrain from replying because I keep wanting to say spoilers! But we're starting to get to the end...

They worked through the maps and war records for most of that day and into the night. Arthur snuck out the next morning; Gwen told the steward he had come down with a spring cold and would be confined to bed. Gaius aided in the deception.

For two days Gwen pantomimed sick nursing, ordering broths and linens and insisting on tending to the king herself. Others assumed her harried look was concern for her husband.

If only she could have gone with him.

In the noon hour of the third day a shout went up as Arthur's horse flew through the gates and clattered over the flagstones. Gwen was down to the courtyard in a flash. The horse, heaving and sweat-slicked, bore her muddied king and a slim, huddled figure wrapped in his red cloak.

Arthur waved off the groomsmen who approached. He swung to the ground and deftly caught the wobbly bundle, sliding him out of the saddle in one fluid motion and catching him in his arms.

"Send Gaius to my chambers," he said, striding towards the stairs. But he kept his footfalls gentle and cradled his burden with the greatest of care.

\---

Arthur had found him in the second place on the list, just on the edge of a full day's ride from the citadel. He told a story of a dragon and a cave and Merlin and a crystal. The crystal had had some kind of hold over Merlin, so Arthur had destroyed it, then picked up Merlin's rag doll body for a frenzied gallop home.

Those were the facts Arthur recited in the dim light of his chambers, with candles lit and curtains drawn. Gaius listened as he probed Merlin's clammy skin.

"The crystal likely came from the cave of magic's birth," he said at last. He rested one hand on Merlin's brow. "It has the power to show what things are, and what things may come to pass. Merlin's past dealings with these crystals have always been... difficult."

"I think he was trying to see us," Arthur said.

"He did say he would be keeping watch," Gaius agreed. He swiped tenderly at Merlin's fringe before drawing away. "I believe he suffers only from exhaustion. Physically, at any rate." He gazed guilelessly at Arthur and Gwen. "When he wakes he should take broth, with more substantial food incorporated as he continues to recover. He will be himself again in a few days."

Gaius bowed and walked to to the door. As he opened it, he paused. Turned. "Thank you, sire, for bringing him home." His grip was tight on the handle and his eyes suddenly bright. Arthur nodded as he slipped away.

Gwen regarded Merlin's wan form, swaddled in blankets in the middle of Arthur's bed. The cave had been high up a mountain still covered in snow, and his fire had gone cold by the time Arthur got to him. Now he was restless in his sleep, mouth twitching and head jerking, and his brows were drawn down against whatever phantoms were passing through his dreams.

"I imagine you'd like to wash up," Gwen murmured, laying a hand on Arthur's arm. The road had coated his face in grime.

"Later," Arthur said.

"And the council will be wanting an explanation," she continued. "Might be best to nip their gossip in the bud."

"I'll tell them he got lost gathering herbs, shall I?" A mirthless smile crossed his face. "Or perhaps--lost performing a great service for the kingdom." He steepled his fingers in front of his mouth. Gwen waited for him to go on.

"That crystal," he said at length. "I think he did see us. Visions of us hurt, or... dying. He was hysterical over it. Couldn't look away."

Gwen's heart broke a little more.

"Tell them you went out together on a hunt. Merlin suffered injury when you made an error." A truth, in a way. "And you were delayed in returning."

There were holes in that story--horses that never left the stables, crossbows resting in the armory--but nothing that would cause much concern. The court would accept Arthur having a bit of spring fever as well as the motivation for his manservant's convalescence in his own bed.

But would she be taken to task for pretending Arthur was ill and failing to alert the council when he had been gone from Camelot for over a day?

Gods. How had Merlin managed his secrets for all these many years?

Arthur sighed, long and deep. "I'll think of something." He tore his gaze away from the pile of blankets and gave Gwen's hand a squeeze before trudging out to the corridor.

And so Gwen began her vigil. There was nothing to do, and everything in the waiting. She was no stranger to it, having sat with nearly everyone she'd loved at some point in her life. Merlin once before, Arthur, Morgana... her mother, before she died.

There was a trick to it: a stillness of the mind and a willingness to accept each hushed breath and bead of dripping wax. A way to set aside the terrors of the unknown future by taking in the smell of the moment.

But this stillness eluded her now. She sat, then stood, then crossed to check the fire. She closed her eyes against its sharp heat on her face before turning again to do what she had wanted from the start, and climbed up onto the bed to take Merlin in her arms.


	12. Chapter 12

A light knock on the door preceded Arthur's return some hours later. Gwen stiffened, but did not pull away; Merlin had finally quieted, and his breathing stayed easy so long as her arm wrapped around his waist. Her face rested on a pillow inches from his hair. He smelled of sap and damp warmed to musk.

Arthur entered bearing a soup pot and a heavy fireplace trivet. He was alone.

"I've ordered a bath," he said in greeting. "It should be up within the hour. Otherwise, we won't be disturbed."

"How is everything?" Gwen asked, voice low. She turned her head to track Arthur's movement. The way he'd stacked bowls on the pot lid and tucked spoons into his belt impressed her.

"Sorted," he replied. He set the trivet over the fire and popped the pot on with a dull clang.

Merlin let out a grunt. His shoulders stiffened and he stretched his arms down his sides, making muzzy sounds as his eyelids slowly fluttered open.

"Hmph?" he said, blinking.

Gwen lightly squeezed his hip. "Merlin," she said softly, "you're all right. Arthur found you and brought you home."

Merlin picked his head up and twisted to meet her gaze. " 'wen?" he asked, using one hand to rub at his face.

"Yes," she said.

" 's good," Merlin replied. He flopped back down on his pillow and let his eyes drift shut.

"He's just woken up?" Arthur asked, moving closer.

"Mm," Gwen affirmed. She scooted up to a seated position and petted Merlin's hair. "Merlin, love. Gaius said you should have some soup."

Merlin squeezed his eyes tighter, but with a bit more gentle coaxing Gwen eventually managed to sit him up against the headboard. Arthur brought over a steaming bowl and sat himself on the mattress edge. Merlin zeroed in on the soup, grasping the proffered spoon and slurping the fragrant broth with determination.

As the minutes passed Merlin came back to himself. His spoonfuls slowed and his shoulders hunched. At last, very carefully, he looked up.

"How are you feeling?" Arthur asked solicitously. He still held the bowl steady with both hands.

"Um... bit tired," Merlin said. He coughed to clear his throat.

"Gaius said you'd exhausted yourself," Gwen jumped in. She laid a hand on his shoulder.

"I suppose." Merlin let the spoon drop to his side. "Why am I... here?"

Gwen looked at Arthur and Arthur looked back. "Because we've all made terrible mistakes," Gwen said, "and we thought we ought to put things right."

Merlin regarded her, turning the sentiment over in his mind. His eyes remained a touch glassy.

"What were you doing with that crystal?" Arthur asked.

"Trying to see." Merlin coughed again. "I remember that. And you, with Excalibur. Good thing. Defeats magic." He let his head fall back and closed his eyes once more. "Gwen's father crafted it. Kilgarrah forged it with his breath."

The dragon. But hadn't the sword come from--

"What was that business with the sword in the stone, then?" Arthur's tone had an edge. "A trick?"

"The sword was made for you, Arthur. You alone may wield it." Merlin's voice grew stronger. "You are the Once and Future King. You were just having some trouble believing it."

How strange he seemed then. Aged. But the devotion in his words rang true.

A knock punctured the silence. Arthur rose and Gwen drew back, folding her hands in her lap.

A scullery maid poked around the door. "Your majesties," she said, bobbing, "We've brought the bath you requested?"

Arthur gestured her in and she led a full compliment of servants porting the wooden tub and great steaming kettles. Thuds and sloshing filled the room as they worked through their efficient dance. Then they departed, gazes lowered, and shut the door with a snick.

" 'm not scrubbing your back," Merlin mumbled.

"It's not for me, idiot." Arthur began removing his jacket. "You stink."

Merlin frowned. "Do not!"

"If you're going to sleep in my bed, you are going to be clean."

"I didn't put me here," Merlin protested.

"You _both_ could use a wash," Gwen said mildly. 

But Merlin was strangely reluctant. He kept up a skittish bicker with Arthur, drawing his arms up to his chest.

Finally, Arthur snapped. "I am trying to help you! Are you completely incapable of doing anything you're told?" He growled, advancing determinedly on Merlin's position. He pitched Merlin forward by the shoulders and grabbed the back hem of his shirt, pulling it up and over his head.

"Mmph!" Merlin, flailing, got himself stuck in the garment.

Gwen threw one arm out to grasp Arthur's wrist. She said nothing, but her urgency stilled his movements and, soon, Merlin's too.

Merlin's back was a map of scars. Gwen couldn't tear herself away. Scratches, punctures, a gouge... some were red-brown, others silvery and raised. He looked as though he'd gone a round in a melee. Multiple melees.

"Some things are hard to heal," Merlin said, his voice muffled in the shirt.

Arthur released him. Merlin first made to shrug the shirt back into place, but then he stopped and finished removing it instead. His front looked just as bad, with a bubbled, angry burn scar seared in the center of his chest. He avoided their looks as he rolled to swing his legs down over the side of the bed. But when he tried to push up, he staggered, collapsing back to the mattress.

"Let us help you," Arthur said. The roughness in his voice had a different quality now.

Merlin sighed. "Okay."

He sounded very small.


	13. Chapter 13

Merlin lay bonelessly in the tub. Arthur's sleeves were wet from helping him into it.

Had it been only a week since Gwen had snuck into Merlin's room? She had been looking for her old friend, then. The sight of him here in the bath, each wound an untold story, forced the realization that the Merlin she had been searching for was no more. Just as she was now a queen and a wife, he had gained authorities of his own. Their meaning remained to be seen.

"You told me you protected Camelot from magical threats," Gwen said. She sat at the table with her hands folded before her. "It seems as though there have been quite a few." Arthur, pacing silently across the room, snorted.

"I've killed dozens of people," Merlin said baldly. "And in truth I'm responsible for the deaths of hundreds more. I guess it's not that surprising. The first thing I did when I came to Camelot was kill a witch."

Arthur sucked in a breath and stopped his movements. He shot Merlin a quizzical look.

"Lady Helen's impersonator. I dropped the chandelier on her when she tried to enchant the court with her music." Merlin let out a dry chuckle. "Know why I did that? Because I thought she was going to kill you all, and killing people is wrong."

"Well... yes," Gwen said, puzzled. "You stopped an aggressor. You took one life to save many more."

"Mm. That's how it always seems. But what would you do if the threat came from a child? Or from someone you love who doesn't realize what they are, or what they are destined to be?"

A chill crept across the room.

"Speak plainly, Merlin," Arthur snapped.

"I didn't kill the child. But I almost let him die." Merlin sighed. "It's his destiny one day to kill you."

Gwen furrowed her brow. There were few children at court, and fewer still she'd seen Merlin interact with. He could be referring to someone anonymous, but...

"Was it the Druid boy?" she asked. "Mordred?"

Eyes closed, Merlin nodded.

"That's why you were late to the rendezvous," Arthur said slowly. "You were going to allow us to be caught."

Merlin nodded again.

"That's--"

"The one thing I truly know, Arthur," Merlin interrupted, "is that I will do absolutely anything in my power to protect you. But I don't much like the person that has had me become."

Silence bloomed.

"In the beginning, the dragon told me I was destined to help you bring about Camelot's golden age. A time of prosperity. Unity. And the flourishing of magic." Merlin slid lower in the water. "And you had to live if you were going to become king, so all my choices seemed easy at first. But there is no end to the magic users who want to kill you to exact revenge for your father's crimes. And then there are the magical beasts. And the trolls, and the Faerie.

"It didn't stay simple. I learned Morgana would fall long before she did. She let herself be used by Morgause to become the focus of a powerful curse. I tried to kill her to stop it, but I failed. And that act, I believe, pushed her down the dark path forever. I created what I'd hoped to prevent.

"I always thought I was doing the right thing. I always thought I was good. But when I look back, I don't see good. I just see bodies."

Merlin drew his hand across his brow, rubbing absently. He remained tiredly expressionless.

"I'm very hard to kill, by the way. But Excalibur can do the job."

Each sentence of Merlin's monologue sat like a stone in Gwen's stomach. The last ones fell like a blow.

"Stop it," she whispered. "Stop _lying_."

Merlin sat forward a bit, sloshing the water in the tub. "But I'm not lying. This is... I'm telling you the truth." A faint air of puzzlement livened his face.

"You're telling the worst version of the truth," Gwen returned. "The same way you did at dinner, before you ran away."

Arthur stood apart, examining his fingernails in the dim light.

"Camelot _is_ prosperous," she continued. "It is peaceful." This, with a pointed look at Arthur. "And you did what you did out of love, unless I am much mistaken."

"Love can make people do terrible things," Arthur said softly.

Gwen shot him a glare, but Merlin leaned into the censure, tipping his head back and baring his neck.

"If you were a knight, I'd banish you for violating your oaths," Arthur went on. "You lied. You made decisions that were not yours to make." He looked up at last to meet Merlin's eye. "But you're not a knight, are you."

Merlin, staring, shook his head minutely.

"If you were a knight, you would know that violence is the price we must pay for safety. And you would enter battle only under orders from your king." Arthur paused meaningfully. "Your conscience would be clear, because decisions about death are meant to be _mine_ to bear. That is the price of my power.

"But you never do what you're told, do you, Merlin." Arthur's tone gentled. "That's why, for all these years, your council to me has been the equal of Gwen's. You _do_ know right from wrong, and you've made me a better man because of it."

He finally moved towards Merlin, sinking to his knees on the hard stone floor and resting his arms on the lip of the tub. The somber earnestness in his face made Gwen's heart bound with her love for him: Arthur's true nobility shone in his capacity for forgiveness and change. Merlin tucked his chin back, holding his breath against the tears beginning to glisten in the corners of his eyes.

"I don't think banishment is quite right, in this case. I think instead I will require an oath." Arthur lowered his chin to his hands while Merlin hugged his knees, throwing off a shiver despite the heat of the bath. "Will you take it?" Merlin nodded cautiously.

"Alright then. Repeat after me. I, Merlin of Ealdor..."

"I--" Merlin croaked. He swallowed and began again. "I, Merlin of _Camelot_ , E-emrys of the Druids, and the last Dragonlord..."

Arthur looked towards the heavens and Gwen bit back a smile. After shaking his head, Arthur continued. "Do swear upon my mother's eyes..."

"Do swear upon my mother's eyes..."

"To stop being an idiot."

"Hey!" Merlin sniffled.

"Just say it," Arthur warned.

"...to stop being an idiot."

"And henceforth always..."

"And henceforth always..."

"To honor my king and queen."

"To honor my king and queen."

Merlin waited expectantly for more, but Arthur allowed the silence to stretch on. "That's all?" Merlin said after some time.

"That's everything," Gwen replied. She rose to approach the bath herself. "Honor is not your love or your protection. It is your trust. It means you will come to us even--especially--with things that are hard."

"It means you'll let me do my duty," Arthur added. "Even when it carries risk. Even if you don't agree."

"It means you'll let us help you."

"Will you swear to that?" Arthur asked.

Merlin looked at them, regarding first one, and then the other. His knees poked above the water's surface and damp ringlets fringed his hairline. His shoulders hunched forward and trembled faintly as his tears at last began to fall.

"I do solemnly swear it," he whispered.

And Arthur reached forward to drag Merlin close and press Merlin's head against his chest. Gwen reached down to grasp Merlin's neck as Arthur dropped his lips to the crown of Merlin's head. Merlin's body shuddered and shook.

"I thought we'd lost you," Arthur murmured. "We can't lose you."

"You won't," Merlin promised, reaching up to grasp two hands and knitting himself into two hearts.


	14. Chapter 14

The next morning dawned chilly and clear. Gwen, lying on her side, gathered the covers around her shoulders and wriggled closer to the warm body in front of her. Merlin. Her fingers pressed against his belly, rubbing small circles in the smooth fabric of his borrowed shirt. He grunted softly. The bed shifted, and Arthur's hand brushed by her wrist and arm as it traveled up to stroke her cheek. He lay on Merlin's other side. He'd insisted the evening before that Merlin absolutely needed both of them there to be sure he'd make it through the night.

"Good morning," he whispered. The clarity of his voice said he had been awake for some time.

"Good morning," Gwen returned. She leaned into his caress for a moment before he moved his hand to Merlin's hair.

"Mm?" Merlin stirred, pressing unconsciously back against Gwen. She grabbed his belly more tightly as she propped herself up on one elbow to look over at the men before her.

Arthur, curled into the space just beyond Merlin's tucked-up hands, met her gaze with a small, contented smile. Then he flicked his gaze down and stroked Merlin's scalp before cupping his neck with a squeeze.

Merlin blinked his eyes open with a sleepy groan. He stiffened for a moment, but relaxed again as Gwen and Arthur continued their ministrations. In the silence each breath was a comforting pulse.

Then slowly, deliberately, Arthur moved closer and tilted his head to press his lips against Merlin's. He held Merlin lightly for the span of two heartbeats before opening his mouth to invite Merlin in. Merlin gave a little gasp before pressing back, reaching up to grip Arthur's bicep and shivering with vibrations Gwen absorbed from breast to hip.

A moment later, Arthur broke the kiss and released his hold. "Good morning," he said again, a hint of mischief in his eye.

"Yeah," Merlin gurgled, staring.

Gwen smiled down at him. She grasped his chin and turned his face towards hers, rasping the pad of her thumb against his stubble. He peered up at her, slack-jawed and red-lipped, until she bent to taste his mouth. It was pliant and slick and sweet, giving and taking soft kisses and urgent ones. He shifted his body until his chest was under hers and brought one arm up to rest tentatively at her waist.

She nuzzled him then, nibbling and licking, and Arthur pulled himself close to them with his breath gone heavy. He raked his fingers down her back and kissed her shoulder firmly as Merlin whimpered below.

She smiled again, leaning over to Arthur and gasping in pleasure when Merlin's tongue lapped boldly at her throat.

They twined together on the bed, all grasping and holding and kissing and breathing until each felt full of love and want. And then they quieted, slowly, relaxing into limbs and hair and torsos until they made a boneless heap of everything they'd ever need.

"What happens now?" Merlin whispered into the air.

The castle was waking up. The market would soon be open. Counsellors needed meeting with, and knights needed training. There was the question of the invisible shield, and the laws against magic, and what the dragon would think of everything in the end.

Gwen hummed and dropped a kiss on his cheek. "Now?" she whispered back. "Now we can truly begin."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all for your words of support and encouragement on my first-ever WIP postings! I may write more stories in this universe, but this fic is now complete.
> 
> Deleted scenes:
> 
> \- Merlin heated the bathwater with magic after Arthur teased that he'd been in too long and let it go cold. Both Gwen and Arthur were captivated by his eyes.
> 
> \- When Arthur said he'd "think of something" to explain his actions, he apologized to the council for neglecting to announce Merlin as Royal Consort and declared they were not to be disturbed until Merlin had recovered from the consequences of Arthur's foolishness. Merlin turned as red as a beet when he found this out two days later; Gwen laughed until she snorted.


End file.
